Talking to your children about consent and sexual violence can be hard. Here’s how to start the conversation

Stephanie Wescott, Jane Gilmore, Monash University

There have been multiple high-profile alleged incidents of sexual violence against women and girls in news headlines this month. Some of them involve teenage boys.

Families might find themselves having – or thinking they need to have – discussions with their children about consent and sexual violence.

We know parents have an important role to play in teaching their children about respectful sex and healthy relationships – and countering harmful messages they may see online.

But it can be hard to know where to start.

Before initiating the discussion

There are a few ways adults can prepare ahead of time.

Research suggests it’s important for parents to feel confident when talking about consent and sexual violence so they can be clear about information and answer questions. Confidence also leads to better emotional regulation during these conversations. Ensuring you have a good level of knowledge yourself can support your level of confidence.

Use accurate words instead of euphemisms and, particularly with teenagers, don’t try to soften the discussion by hiding from the realities of violence.

According to the latest Australian Bureau of Statistics data, nearly 30% of all sexual assaults reported to police in 2024 were against girls between 10–17 years old. The number of sexual assaults recorded nationally in 2024 also increased by 10% from 2023.

Children and teens need to know the facts and risks, and to be in no doubt that their parents will support them through any experience.

How to begin the discussion

Families need to have open conversations when it comes to talking to children and young people about misogyny, rape and sexual violence. This means all family members should feel safe to raise concerns, ask questions and cover topics without fear of shutdown or reprimand.

A good starting point is to ask children what they have read about in recent media reports, what they think about the issues and what their friends have said. This provides an opening to important conversations that are not just about young people’s own personal experiences.

A possible way to do this might be to ask:

There’s been so much in the news this week about [incident]. Have you seen it?

Setting is important

It’s important children and teens don’t feel as if they’re being confronted when adults initiate conversations.

Instead of a more formal, sit-down discussion, you might choose to start a conversation in a more casual setting such as in the car or while doing chores.

Keep the conversation open and don’t instruct

While parents should be clear about their values (for example, violence against women is never OK), asking questions and helping young people reach their own conclusions can be more effective than giving instructions. These questions might include:

• what have you heard about (a particular incident)?
• how does it make you feel?
• do you have any questions you’d like to ask?

Tone is important too. Try to keep the conversation calm, nonjudgmental and open. Encourage your child to talk to you about concerning experiences and topics.

Don’t play into harmful stereotypes

Avoid reinforcing harmful messages and gender stereotypes such as “boys will be boys” or myths about rape (“women often lie about rape”, “men need sex from women”).

It’s crucial your child hears you reject these myths, even if they appear to agree with them. They might simply be testing your reactions.

Discomfort is normal

Sex, violence and pornography can be confronting and uncomfortable topics, particularly between parents and children. Recognise the discomfort is normal but don’t let it become an excuse to avoid the topic.

If you find it’s truly impossible to have these discussions with your children, find another responsible adult among your family or friends who is more able to be your deputy.

Provide ongoing support

Research suggests feminist approaches from parents (such as those that centre the safety of women and girls) as well as parental support for school education initiatives on healthy relationships and consent help support violence prevention work.

Outside the news cycle, adults can regularly support children to recognise sexism and misogyny in everyday situations, which in turn, helps them recognise it in their own lives.

For example, harmful “jokes” about women can normalise the misogyny that underpins violence. What one person thinks is just a silly line might sound like tacit permission to someone else. Adults should explicitly name and explain these harms when they arise.

Help young people to think critically

Research shows exposure to misogynistic content on social media can lead to young people supporting misogynistic ideas.

It’s essential parents and carers discuss the role social media companies play in spreading this content. Helping young people think critically about what they are seeing in their feeds can reduce the potential for harm.

When should parents start discussions?

While we tend to focus on building adolescents’ knowledge, starting conversations about consent as early as possible, and having them as often as possible, is the best approach.

Read more: Wondering how to teach your kids about consent? Here’s an age-based guide to get you started

Research suggests younger children benefit from age-appropriate conversations about consent starting as soon as they are able to talk. This includes discussions about learning to trust their feelings and using correct anatomical words for body parts. It also includes teaching kids to respect other people’s boundaries and allowing them to make decisions about their own bodies, such as declining physical affection. Consent for little children is not about sex, it’s about physical affection such as hugs, and sharing toys and food.

Remember, misogyny, sexual violence against women and consent are complex topics. You don’t have to cover every detail in every conversation. Ongoing and open communication is far more effective than one perfectly crafted conversation.

This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.