Why it’s so hard to apologise sincerely in a foreign language

Irini Mavrou, Lucía Martín Pérez, University College London, Universidad Nebrija

When people apologise, they do more than acknowledge a mistake. They also reveal how they understand responsibility, ethics, social and moral norms, and their relationship with others. These things all differ widely between cultural contexts.

Speaking in a foreign language may directly influence the emotions – such as guilt and shame – that we feel when we apologise. However, apologies are an especially complex type of communication, and are shaped by much more than just the words we use.

Even within a particular culture, people apologise in different ways in different situations. For example, a student apologising to a professor for missing a deadline must do more than simply say “sorry”; they need to acknowledge the missed deadline, take responsibility for the mistake, and communicate respectfully in the context of the professor-student relationship.

Every apology – be it to a spouse, a friend, a colleague, a stranger – has its own set of unspoken rules and expectations.

And although apologies are influenced by a huge range of factors, social power, distance and the seriousness of the offence are especially important. These are often what determine each culture’s approach to apologising, and go far deeper than simply uttering the words “I’m sorry”.

Guilt and shame are not the same

Guilt and shame are often used interchangeably, but they work differently. Guilt says: I did something wrong. Shame says: There is something wrong with me.

That difference matters. Guilt often pushes people to repair the damage by apologising, taking responsibility or making amends. Shame can have the opposite effect, leading people to withdraw, avoid the situation, or stay silent.

Culture also plays a role. Guilt tends to be more strongly emphasised in individualistic cultural contexts (for example, in some Western societies such as Europe and the US). In more collective cultural contexts (for example, in East Asian societies), group harmony and social evaluation are especially important, meaning shame can carry greater social weight.

Both guilt and shame can arise when we feel we have crossed a social line, which makes them central to the act of apologising.

Read more: Trying your best in a second language? Here’s why native speakers seem so rude

Korean vs Spanish apologies

In a recent study, we investigated how people apologise in their first and second languages. To do this, we focused on native Korean speakers learning Spanish and native Spanish speakers learning Korean.

The study involved 115 participants, all with at least an intermediate level in their second language. Many had also lived abroad in Spain or Korea.

Participants completed an online questionnaire with twelve university-related situations that required an apology, such as missing a tutoring session, losing a borrowed book, or interrupting another student.

The scenarios varied according to social power and social distance. For example, some involved apologising to a close classmate, while others involved apologising to a professor or someone in a higher position of authority.

Participants completed the task either entirely in their first language or entirely in their second language. After each apology, they rated how much guilt and shame they would feel using 10-point scales, and were asked to respond as they would in a real-life situation.

We then identified and analysed different apology strategies. These included direct apologies (“I’m sorry”), self-blame (“it was my fault”), explanations (“I misunderstood the deadline”), and offers of repair (“I’ll replace the book”). In total, we analysed nearly 3,000 apology strategies across the dataset.

Two ways of taking responsibility

Korean and Spanish speakers did not apologise in the same way.

Korean speakers often took responsibility directly, using expressions like “it was my fault” and, at times, strongly self-critical language. Spanish speakers were more likely to soften responsibility. They often explained what happened, stressed that the offence was unintentional, or used impersonal phrases such as “se me olvidó” (which roughly translates as “it slipped my mind”).

This does not imply that one group was more sincere or more apologetic than the other – it shows that cultures repair social relationships differently. In Spanish, this happens through explanation and negotiation, while in Korean, it is often done through a clearer acknowledgement of fault, especially when social power is involved.

Do we feel less in a foreign language?

Speaking a second language can sometimes create emotional distance. Words learned later in life, often in classrooms rather than at home, may feel less emotionally charged than those learned in childhood.

Our findings complicate that idea. Participants did not generally feel less guilt or shame in their second language. They were able to experience strong moral emotions in both languages.

Read more: Impulse and inhibition: the complex ways bilingual brains balance reason with emotion

The difference appeared when social power entered the picture. When apologising to someone of higher status, such as a professor, participants expressed guilt and shame more strongly in their first language. This suggests that the emotional weight of authority, responsibility, and social norms may be more deeply rooted in the language we grew up with.

Language learning

Learning a language is not just about grammar and vocabulary. It is also about knowing how to manage emotions, acknowledge responsibility, and maintain positive social relationships.

A learner may know how to say “I’m sorry”, but may not know how that apology will come across in another culture, whether it sounds too distant, too formal, or not sincere enough. Language teaching should therefore include intercultural pragmatics: not only what to say, but how to say it, when to say it, and how much emotional weight it should carry.

In international workplaces, universities and online spaces, people often need to apologise. However, what sounds sincere and responsible in their first language may sound cold, exaggerated, or evasive in a different language. Understanding how emotions like guilt and shame are expressed across cultures can help reduce misunderstandings in intercultural communication, especially in contexts influenced by authority and social expectations.

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This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.